Coffee’s a very personal thing. Some people will only drink it at certain chains, others demand a bubble bath’s worth of cappuccino foam, and then there are the aficionados who swear by sophisticated gadgetry like the “AeroPress” or the “drip-coffee machine in the break room.” Here’s a comprehensive list of 25 of the most common coffee-drinker stereotypes, ranging from people you wish would die to people who will probably face an early death thanks to their choice of sweetener.
The Gas Station Coffee Evangelist
He just loves being one of the common people. And watching them buy their Skoal Bandits.
The Unapologetic Starbucks Patron
There’s gotta be a reason there are 21,000 locations, right? Right?
Impatient Businessman at Starbucks
Obviously on his way to an important meeting and has no time to tip. Cool Jawbone, bro.
Cool Suburban Dad at Starbucks
He also gets all of his Leonard Cohen CDs there.
The Almond/Rice Milk Guy
Sugar In The Raw Snob
The Ol’ Dirty Bastard of coffee drinkers.
The Late-Night Sipper
Who cares if it’s 10 at night? Caffeine doesn’t affect him like it does everyone else. Right see doesn’t affect me at all I’m gonna just watch nine hours of Turner Classic Movies and make a quilt now.
The Guy Who Only Drinks Coffee Because He Has a Crush on the Barista
She doesn’t care how your day was, and neither do the 10 people in line behind you. And now you’ve got acid reflux from all these “dates.”
The Guy Who Insists That Dunkin’ Donuts Is the Best Coffee Ever
He takes it with milk and 400 eclairs’ worth of sugar.
The McDonald’s Guy
He thinks the lawsuit over the coffee being too hot was ridiculous because that’s the main reason he goes there.
The Stevia Addict
This person deserves your sympathy because they’ll soon have cancer. Thought we were gonna do the Breaking Bad spoiler? We’re not gonna do the Breaking Bad spoiler! Wait, did we just do a Breaking Bad spoiler?
The Chemex Snob
Yes, the glass Chemex brewer makes a great cup of coffee, but no, it does not belong in a contemporary art museum.
French Press Hard-On Guy
Just choke down those grounds and tell people about how you stayed in a hostel in Nice that one time.
Reusable Coffee Cup That Looks Disposable but Really Isn’t… Girl
It’s dishwasher-safe and the lid only tastes a little bit like rubber.
The Novelty Mug Girl
It sure is hilarious that you’re drinking coffee out of a cup-shaped like a toilet.
The Person Who Pronounces Espresso With an X
He takes the espress train to work every day.
The Decaf Drinker
The Foamy Cappuccino Fan
This is the same type of person who takes unironic bubble baths. They usually smell terrific.
Lip-Smacking Espresso Lover
How much do you love that coffee brewed by forcing a small amount of nearly boiling water under pressure through finely-ground coffee beans, huh?!?! A lot? Oh, cool, we had no idea.
The Guy Who Stopped Drinking Coffee and Wants to Tell You All About It
His serotonin levels have never been higher! He feels better in the morning! His crippling withdrawal headache will eventually cause him to chug old coffee grinds around the back by the Tim Hortons dumpster! Also, why is he in Canada?!?
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LOOKING FOR THE EASY WAY OUT?!?!
The Pumpkin Spice Coffee-Mate Lady
She wants every morning to smell like the cheap aunt who brought a frozen Sara Lee Oven Fresh Pumpkin Pie to Thanksgiving.
The Coffee Gadget Guy
Sir, is that an AeroPress or a penis pump?
The Clueless Drip Coffee Guy
It’s the best part of waking up, right? Right? Wait, it isn’t 1989?!?
The Coffee Break Office Worker
Cigarettes last longer, and you get to go outside!
The Coffee Shop Chick Who Nurses One Cup for Five Hours
The baristas are roasting you alive with their eyes.
The Sustainability Snob
He only buys organic, shade-grown, Rainforest Alliance-certified, Fair Trade beans harvested by indigenous people whose monthly wages are around what the cup of coffee cost him.
The Proud Dude Who Takes His Coffee Black
Turning down cream doesn’t make you more of a man. Wait, does it? Should we be drinking our coffee black?
The Barista Who’s Pissed That You Ordered a Caramel Macchiato
Where do you think you are, Starbucks? This is an independent coffee shop! Don’t you see the local art on the walls? (Actually, we’re all kind of pissed you ordered that caramel macchiato. Where do you think you are, Starbucks?!?)